One thing I am learning as I am doing this blog is the importance of how I communicate. Am I choosing to be vulnerable? Am I using language that speaks to others? Is my intent vs the impact of my communication being heard?
It is becoming more and more clear that the words we speak is not always the words that are heard. Whew!
LAYERS OF COMMUNICATION
Which drove me to seeing all the layers of communication. When we speak, we are just uttering words that somehow string together to make some sort of thought. And how often do we, in complete innocence say things that we think sound loving, but are perceived as not?
So these are some layers I see:
- our choice of words
- our tone
- our needs
- our perception
- understanding who we are sharing the words with
- the art of compassionate speak
- our own ego
- ulterior motive
- the pushing of the buttons of our own defensiveness
- courage of self
- understanding we all have our own language
- responsiblity for choice of words
- body language
And the list could just keep growing. Communication is so much more that words!
I know there are so many times I think I have chosen words that are loving, only to be hit by the receiver as, did you really say that? Those are the moments I am flabbergasted that my true intent was not seen.
But perhaps I am not being completely honest with myself. Did I have some sort of hidden agenda? Or was it that the other person was made to feel defensive in some way?
Or worse yet, something which is totally not in my control, but makes the other lash out ?
I think this whole business of speaking is so complicated, do you agree? I mean, how many people truly speak our own inner specific to us language?
INTENT and EXPECTATIONS OF COMMUNICATION
So right here, I have to be extremely clear. Or at least try, grin. Arggh, full disclosure and honesty. Oh, and that pesky thing called transparency.
I do have expectations when I am talking. I want to know that we are connecting. I want to know that we hear each other. I want you to react and then interact. I want a response. I want that warm and fuzzy, we are on the same wave length verbal hug. ( I know, I am such a girl! But ultimately it isn’t about gender, it’s about being human!)
But oh yeah, I want a grown up response. I want it to be kind and compassionate.
But how often am I that to others? And how often do we choose to be really thoughtful in our language?
Do we ever see how incredibly complicated having a conversation is?
I mean, look at it this way. When we hold space to have a conversation, I want your attention. I want you to connect with me. I am okay if you are not completely comfortable with the topic.
But then I want you to say, this is what I heard. Did you mean that? Or I disagree, and this is how I see it. Or yes, I am really uncomfortable. So then I have to be willing to check in and ask if this conversation is really necessary at this time.
So my expectations are high. Is that fair? Yet every moment of every day we have the capacity to interact. How are we choosing to be in that interaction?
Drum roll please! On the other hand, Isn’t there something truly magical when conversations make our heart soar? To me that is an aphrodisiac. An orgasm of the heart connecting. I am so happy when that kind of heart- centric interaction happens. It feeds me! I feel loved, appreciated and heard. I want it to never stop. I am willing to move my couch into that space!
OUR OWN LANGUAGE
And that takes us to this space, right here. I fully understand that my language is not your language. I get that no one speaks exactly to our own inner language. Only we have our own lexicon. But are we willing to build a bridge to going that extra mile and hearing truly what is being said from the heart?
I get that my language might not make sense to you. But I truly want to comprehend what you are sharing with me. So are we willing to make an investment into listening to each other? Are we wanting to take our courage to another level?
If the answer is yes, please try this.
Let’s try this one on for size. Today speak to two different people.
Pick a topic that is heart centric. Like ummm, something important to you. Your family, your sense of competence. Your vision of your life. Being authentic is what matters here.
Tell them you are needing to know if your language is getting through to them. Then ask what their perception is of the conversation, after having the conversation.
After you have spoken, truly listen. Be aware of buttons that are being pushed, or preconceived notions, or defensiveness, or the absolute joy of being heard. Feel if connection happened, and how that feels.
Take note of how you think you did in the communication.
Was there something you could have done better?
Did you really shine your heart?
Did you have the chance to make that other person feel good or better about themselves?
Was your choice of words responsive and responsible?
Thank them for trying this experiment with you.
What did you learn from this?
I know, I hear you!
In all reality, it is totally amazing that we even try to communicate, isn’t it? Because how do we ever know for sure what is being heard, vs what is being said?
And isn’t it up to each of us to know that every time we utter a word we are responsible for it? Argh, now that is truly a grown up notion. But then again, there is perception. Our perception can alter our understanding. So that also needs to be made clear.
I do so believe in intentional language and communication. I appreciate all the young parents who are giving their offspring the chance to use language that is clarified and focused.
I don’t think as a child many of us were given the opportunity to try out specificity and intentional compassion of our words. Just imagine if everyone tried!
I want a world were we can choose to accept that language is difficult. But our heart connections are not!
Join me in a language revolution. We are speaking in love, caring and transparency.
And we rise as we do!
Let me know how the exercise goes for you!
Comment below. I will respond. I am so happy to interact with you.
In peace and gratitude,